This is a glimpse at one way it could go.

And it’s fucking hysterical:

Skittles – Newlyweds – Dir. Cousins [Not affiliated with Wrigley or Skittles. Contains explicit content not suitable for minors] from Cousins on Vimeo.

I don’t know about you, but I’m looking forward to more commercials from these guys.

It also made me think about this ol’ chestnut:

Ah, memories.

Trust us. We have pictures.

Exhibit A: Zombie John

Once turned into a zombie, John decided he needed to tell Lee about all of the great things he’d learned. Lee saw John coming his way and ran away, hysterically waving his arms above his head. Unfortunately the same squirrel from earlier was started by this and attacked Lee too. Thus causing John to have a new zombie best friend. Although you’d think Lee would be ecstatic to be a zombie, he was not impressed.

Trust us. We have pictures.

Exhibit B: Unimpressed Zombie Lee

It didn’t take long for both of them to get thirsty. So they looked for a place to call their own. They found a home with a wonderful group to hang out with, The 4th Annual Zombie Pub Crawl, presented by pH Productions, and drank Blood Punch at Mary’s Attic (they also drank a bunch at The Call, Farragut’s, Simons, etc.). Dancing & sweating, John & Lee began to become human again. It looked like the Blood Punch at Mary’s was the cure to the squirrel bite.

Lessons learned. John & Lee now avoid squirrels.

They will never avoid The Zombie Pub Crawl, presented by pH Productions.

The end.

To have your own zombie adventure, be sure to join us in the future for the 5th Annual Zombie Pub Crawl presented by pH Productions. Check it out here: pH Productions | Chicago Improv & Sketch Comedy | Chicago Zombie Pub Crawl 4!

We’re pretty sure it’ll happen again.

Pretty sure.

Well, it’s been a good year for us. We’ve performed at two festivals, put up some new videos, and started to perform a few improv shows. We’re concentrating on videos for the rest of the year, but we’ll be having an improv show at Stage 773 as part of SMUSH! on April 19th. Hosted by the lovely Liz McArthur, SMUSH! is a comedy extravaganza featuring sketch, imrpov, & stand-up comedy all on one stage. Party starts at 8:00PM. Hope to see you there. Check out the loverly details here: Stage 773

In other fun news, tomorrow (or today depending on when you’re reading this, possibly even yesterday) is Record Store Day! A celebration of all things record and store and vinyl. If you’d like to join us, we’ll be starting at Reckless Records on Broadway at 10AM to hunt for awesome tunes and whatever treats are at each store. Because of course you have to check out more than one! If you can’t join us, we hope you celebrate Record Store Day in your own way. PARTY!

Here’s a link to find out what’s going on around your neck of the woods!

RECORD STORE DAY – Home

We here at Long Pork love comics. We love them so much–that we make ‘em, or at least pop up in them.

One such pop up is I, Lee Russell, your friend. I am a comic book character! I am IN a COMIC BOOK! Crazy, right!? But it’s true. I have the pleasure to be apart of the amazing book, INFINITE VACATION. Thanks to the talented photographer/artist/overall badass, Kendall Bruns, I got to bring a childhood dream to life by actually being in a comic. CHECK IT OUT!

Now, I have to admit that I’m the reason a couple of comic book shops are sold out, BUT if you can find copies of issues #1 & #2, buy them. You will not regret it. The art is playful and the story is wonderful. I won’t ruin anything. Just check it out and enjoy the vacation.

Image Comics | Home

Also check out Mr.Kendall Bruns blog & podcast! We like him and we know you will too.

Kendall Bruns

So, I was IN a comic, but Zoran WRITES his own comic! MYSTERY AFOOT!

It’s Lowcarbcomedy.com’s first comic! Written by Zoran Gvojic & Dave Schneider, Art by Max Bare.

If you ever wondered what would happen if Big Foot and Loch Ness Monster got together and formed a detective agency, this book answers that question. It’s a comic fantasy like nothing out there. You can read it online for FREE! What? Yup. FREE! A new page every Wednesday and more laughs than one man can handle, so read it with friends.

You can check out MYSTERY AFOOT here:
Mystery Afoot: A Lowcarbcomedy.com Comic Book – Bigfoot and Nessie open a detective agency to find other myths.

Well that’s it for now.

Oh, and there’s one more thing: Lastly, but certainly not leastly, see Mr.Charley Carroll tomorrow night (or tonight, or yesterday, depending when you’re reading this) in CO-ED PRISON SLUTS! at The Annoyance Theater in Uptown, at Lawrence & Broadway. Show starts at 10:01PM! It’s Chicago’s longest running musical and Charley is in fine form delivering the funny. Go see it & learn a thing or two.

Talk to you later pretty people.

And in case you missed it. Here was a very special St. Patty’s day recipe from Zombie Chef.

Oh, your going to the movies? What movie are you going to go see?

So, you’re going to see Sucker Punch, eh? Are you sure you want to see that movie?

You’re dead set on it? It looks awesome?

I hate to do this to you buddy but… I saw it already. Yeah. Yeah, I did and I got bad news.

It’s actually three different movies jammed into one movie that doesn’t know how to commit to anything that it’s trying to get you to completely buy into, namely the enjoyment of this movie.

I wanted to like it. My expectations were low, having remembered the high expectations SHATTERED by Mr.Snyder’s previous work WATCHMEN (that’s another conversation). I only watched the trailers once so as not to try and hype myself up. Low expectations are the secret to happiness. And. Even with the bare minimum of expectations to meet, after watching the movie, the more I thought about it… the angrier I got.

Why was this movie bad? Why did it bother me so? Why was I getting so angry?

Because it’s three movies. I didn’t get to watch any one of them all the way thru and was interrupted by some child switching the reels back and forth between the three movies.

The first movie is a really dark and intense indy drama. It’s about a young woman driven to extremes when her wretch of a step-father brutalizes both her and her young sister. In trying to escape this torment, the young woman fights back but, to no avail. Thru circumstances out of her control, the young woman is sent to an insane asylum. There she has to face the sexually aggressive and brutal treatment from the security staff. From there it gets darker and more intense but… That’s when the second movie comes in.

Now, the second movie is really different but, similar, if only in the vaguest sense. This is actually a gangster/1930′s movie. It’s the story of an orphan girl sold to a brothel/whorehouse where the women are not treated well.

Then again, where are orphans sold into the sex trade in the 1930′s treated well? I digress.

There the orphan girl meets an eccentric bunch of dancers/prostitutes who each have their own story to tell. Oh, they are a colorful bunch. They each understand their place in the brothel/whorehouse and don’t want to change how things work. However, the orphan girl has plans of her own. She plans on getting out of the brothel/whorehouse in 5 days time before a man only known as The High Roller comes and claims her for his own. This is intense but, oddly light-hearted. There doesn’t seem to be the weight of danger in this brothel, until… While working kitchen detail, one of the dancers (why is the dancer/hooker in the kitchen? Meh.) steals a small bit of bakers chocolate. This makes the head cook loose his shit. Nobody steals bakers chocolate! It’s for bakers! So, naturally, he tries to rape her. It’s only by sheer luck that the plucky orphan girl hears the distress of the dancer and come to her rescue by holding a knife to the head cooks throat. This then leads to friendship with the other dancers. It’s here that we find out that the orphan girl is an enchanting dancer. Raw but, otherwise, utterly amazing. Of course, by “Raw”, they mean overly sexed with a lot of grunting and moaning. But, before we ever see this AMAZING-ALL-EYES-LOOK-AT-THE-SEXIEST-DANCING-EVER dancing: The third movie shows up.

And boy, is this the movie you want to watch.

The third movie is the ultimate sci-fi/action/monster movie. It’s about these amazing, hot-as-frak, take-no-prisoners, bad-ass women hell bent on carrying out whatever crazy mission some old sage sends them on. These ladies from hell are on a mission to gather some very important items that will lead to their freedom from… something. Something bad. Now, these items sound really simple but, they are not. A map. A knife. Fire. A key. And a godsdamn mystery item that only the chosen one (the one dressed like Sailor Moon) can find. Now this elite force of sexy,sexy women have to travel thru space and time to find these AWESOME and IMPOSSIBLE to attain items. It’s like Time Bandits meets Bitch Slap.

Come on. Like you know where to “find” FIRE. YOU DON’T AND YOU NEVER WILL! WATCH THE WOMEN WORK!

Now, this third movie is full of amazing action and killer monsters. All of whom know exactly how to fall down and play dead when the hot girls flash a weapon or two. Yeah. The hot & bothered ladies know their weapons and their Kung-Fu, Karate, & Tae-Bo. They’re bad. Also, they are insanely strong. They have adamantium skeletons and skin made of mithril because they cannot be broken. No matter how many walls you punch/kick/body-slam them thru. Calm down gentlemen. It’s almost too cool. I know.

I know.

And right when this awesome, crazy, jap-anime inspired, fight fest is about to take flight… that second movie I was talking about, comes back.

Totally kills my action boner.

And it goes back and forth between movie number two and movie number three until it slips all the way back to movie number one.

The indy drama. The movie you forgot you were watching. The movie you really didn’t want to watch after the second movie or, the third movie.

And let’s all be honest, the sci-fi/action/monster movie is the movie we all want to watch. But we can’t. Because that crazy ADHD kid in the booth WON’T STOP SWITCHING THE REELS BETWEEN THE MOVIES!!

STOP IT, YOU LITTLE BRAT! STOP CHANGING THE MOVIE REELS!

…it’s okay…

I’m not there anymore. I’m safe now.

…

So, you see… You shouldn’t go see Sucker Punch. It’s just going to piss you off because it’s three movies.

And you only wanted to watch one.

The never-before-seen video will debut around 8:30pm before the midwest theatrical premiere of Rubber a movie about an inanimate rubber tire with destructive telepathic powers (seriously. (Awesome right?))

Well since we know you can’t wait we’ve decided to attempt to satiate your lust for zombie goodness with a teaser video and some photos! Check it out here.

Lee as Zombie Chef

Zack as a Zombie

See you on the 19th!

Here’s the link: Zombie Chef at Atom.com

We got to meet the very friendly, super handsome, I think we’re currently in love with, Kendall Bruns. Kendall was awesome enough to interview us for our upcoming Chicago Sketchfest 2011 show. Check it out here:

Let’s Get Serious. with Kendall Bruns

Also, we have been so busy creating our show that we have been remissed in our duties to let all you lovely people know that we HAVE A SHOW in CHICAGO SKETCHFEST 2011!! WHAT?! WHY ARE WE yelling. Okay. Back to normal.

Come out, tomorrow night to Stage 773 and see us perform at 9:30PM with the experimental GERMANS! Tickets $14. Get those here: GERMANS & LONG PORK

Can’t wait to see your pretty faces there!

That means there are lots of fun things to do in and about town including shows and videos!

The Gentlemen of Long Pork are keeping busy too. Aside from gearing up for Sketchfest NYC and our big road trip for it. We’re excited to announce we have a Improv show coming up next week at the Playground!

Wednesday May 26th 8pm. $10

The Playground Theater
3209 N Halsted
Chicago, IL 60657

Seeing as it’s improv it’s going to be COMPLETELY new material. This is only our second show improvising together here in Chicago so come see us!

Okay aside from that you should also check out our good friend Devin Keast in his one man show:

Devin Keast, Gentleman and Sunshineface - Friday night May 28th. This will be his closing night, it’s also $10 and also at the Playground. Devin is great, if you went to our Harold Ramis show you’ve already seen him perform and fill in for Seth. So how could you not go?

If you’re not doing anything this weekend you should check out some dramatic theater completely unassociated with Long Pork:

Sinnerman Ensemble’s Days of Late – Now playing at the Viaduct and closing this weekend. Sinnerman is a local not for profit theater company here in Chicago out of Steppenwolf, awesome people, some of which donated to help get us to NY  so go see their show!

John Morrison – (our photographer, webmaster, promoter and jack-of-all-things-not-performing-or-writing) has launched a new photo blog of his street photography for the Tribune. You should take a look: Focal Points.

Zoran – Put out a new video on LowCarbComedy.com! A few of us are in it (and by a few we mean everyone associated with Long Pork except Morgan and Seth.) So you should go watch that.

Actually… ya know what, since we’re such generous guys… here you go, we’ll just embed it for you. Here’s the link just in case.

Oh yeah… then there is this. But we’ll talk more about that later.

Okay pretty people, we’re done telling you what to do for now. Enjoy your summer!

We’ll be peRforming this Monday (May 10th) at the Elbo Room (2871 N. Lincoln)!  Doin’ the funny right before us is Tiffany PuterBaugh, Drew Michael, Ken Barnard (a personal favorite of mine- CC*) and hosTing the night awaY will be Beth Stelling (she’s damn funny-CC*).  We are suPer excited to work with the Elbo Room, as they are One awesome venue and some of the nicest guys to work with…real Pushovers for comedy …seriousLy, we’ve had our way with them….. sexually. 

The night’s festivities start at 8:30pm, so we suggest a belated Cinco dE Mayo meal and then coming over for drinks after.  It will be a fun night of great standup and lots of new material from us.  How can you beat that?

Details:
What?: Hug City Presents: Long Pork at the Elbo Room
Where?: 2871 N. Lincoln Ave
Who?: Me, You, and Everyone We Know
How?: $7
Why?:  Ok, now your just trying to piss me off. (Lee might erase this…he loves negativity everywhere, except on his LP posts!)

BTW!!!  Can you find the secret message from Lee hidden in the post?!?  Comment the answer and you might win a prize!

CC*= Charley Carroll