Hey buddy, where you going on this Friday night?

Oh, your going to the movies? What movie are you going to go see?

So, you’re going to see Sucker Punch, eh? Are you sure you want to see that movie?

You’re dead set on it? It looks awesome?

I hate to do this to you buddy but… I saw it already. Yeah. Yeah, I did and I got bad news.

It’s actually three different movies jammed into one movie that doesn’t know how to commit to anything that it’s trying to get you to completely buy into, namely the enjoyment of this movie.

I wanted to like it. My expectations were low, having remembered the high expectations SHATTERED by Mr.Snyder’s previous work WATCHMEN (that’s another conversation). I only watched the trailers once so as not to try and hype myself up. Low expectations are the secret to happiness. And. Even with the bare minimum of expectations to meet, after watching the movie, the more I thought about it… the angrier I got.

Why was this movie bad? Why did it bother me so? Why was I getting so angry?

Because it’s three movies. I didn’t get to watch any one of them all the way thru and was interrupted by some child switching the reels back and forth between the three movies.

The first movie is a really dark and intense indy drama. It’s about a young woman driven to extremes when her wretch of a step-father brutalizes both her and her young sister. In trying to escape this torment, the young woman fights back but, to no avail. Thru circumstances out of her control, the young woman is sent to an insane asylum. There she has to face the sexually aggressive and brutal treatment from the security staff. From there it gets darker and more intense but… That’s when the second movie comes in.

Now, the second movie is really different but, similar, if only in the vaguest sense. This is actually a gangster/1930′s movie. It’s the story of an orphan girl sold to a brothel/whorehouse where the women are not treated well.

Then again, where are orphans sold into the sex trade in the 1930′s treated well? I digress.

There the orphan girl meets an eccentric bunch of dancers/prostitutes who each have their own story to tell. Oh, they are a colorful bunch. They each understand their place in the brothel/whorehouse and don’t want to change how things work. However, the orphan girl has plans of her own. She plans on getting out of the brothel/whorehouse in 5 days time before a man only known as The High Roller comes and claims her for his own. This is intense but, oddly light-hearted. There doesn’t seem to be the weight of danger in this brothel, until… While working kitchen detail, one of the dancers (why is the dancer/hooker in the kitchen? Meh.) steals a small bit of bakers chocolate. This makes the head cook loose his shit. Nobody steals bakers chocolate! It’s for bakers! So, naturally, he tries to rape her. It’s only by sheer luck that the plucky orphan girl hears the distress of the dancer and come to her rescue by holding a knife to the head cooks throat. This then leads to friendship with the other dancers. It’s here that we find out that the orphan girl is an enchanting dancer. Raw but, otherwise, utterly amazing. Of course, by “Raw”, they mean overly sexed with a lot of grunting and moaning. But, before we ever see this AMAZING-ALL-EYES-LOOK-AT-THE-SEXIEST-DANCING-EVER dancing: The third movie shows up.

And boy, is this the movie you want to watch.

The third movie is the ultimate sci-fi/action/monster movie. It’s about these amazing, hot-as-frak, take-no-prisoners, bad-ass women hell bent on carrying out whatever crazy mission some old sage sends them on. These ladies from hell are on a mission to gather some very important items that will lead to their freedom from… something. Something bad. Now, these items sound really simple but, they are not. A map. A knife. Fire. A key. And a godsdamn mystery item that only the chosen one (the one dressed like Sailor Moon) can find. Now this elite force of sexy,sexy women have to travel thru space and time to find these AWESOME and IMPOSSIBLE to attain items. It’s like Time Bandits meets Bitch Slap.

Come on. Like you know where to “find” FIRE. YOU DON’T AND YOU NEVER WILL! WATCH THE WOMEN WORK!

Now, this third movie is full of amazing action and killer monsters. All of whom know exactly how to fall down and play dead when the hot girls flash a weapon or two. Yeah. The hot & bothered ladies know their weapons and their Kung-Fu, Karate, & Tae-Bo. They’re bad. Also, they are insanely strong. They have adamantium skeletons and skin made of mithril because they cannot be broken. No matter how many walls you punch/kick/body-slam them thru. Calm down gentlemen. It’s almost too cool. I know.

I know.

And right when this awesome, crazy, jap-anime inspired, fight fest is about to take flight… that second movie I was talking about, comes back.

Totally kills my action boner.

And it goes back and forth between movie number two and movie number three until it slips all the way back to movie number one.

The indy drama. The movie you forgot you were watching. The movie you really didn’t want to watch after the second movie or, the third movie.

And let’s all be honest, the sci-fi/action/monster movie is the movie we all want to watch. But we can’t. Because that crazy ADHD kid in the booth WON’T STOP SWITCHING THE REELS BETWEEN THE MOVIES!!

STOP IT, YOU LITTLE BRAT! STOP CHANGING THE MOVIE REELS!

…it’s okay…

I’m not there anymore. I’m safe now.

…

So, you see… You shouldn’t go see Sucker Punch. It’s just going to piss you off because it’s three movies.

And you only wanted to watch one.

Hey all,

Charley here with a special announcement:

I HATE chocolate syrup.  HATE IT.

Thank you.

What?  Huh?……You want to know why?  Why would I hate this wonderful ice cream condiment?  Why do I hate the sweet sensation of it on your tongue as I lick it off the fingers of a hooker, or much more likely in my case, as I cry alone at night in front of a really emotional episode of “Parenthood” Tuesday’s at 10/9c on NBC?  Because of one word:

Splattertheater

Okay, let’s make that two words:

splatt ertheater

No, let’s move the “er” over:

splatter ertheat

No, I don’t think you understand, now move the other “er” to the end of the word:

splfuck youer

You know what, I’ll just write it….SPLATTER THEATER.

For those not “in the know”, Splatter Theater is the brain child of a bunch of amazing Chicago improvisers. One night back in 1987,  at Leona’s in Lakeview, they all got drunk and decided to do a Halloween show.   They had two goals: make fun of all the great horror movies that were coming out at the time, while also covering the stage with blood.  In one month they wrote and put up the Annoyance Theater‘s first show.  It’s so fun we are still doing it 23 years later.

So if you have a Saturday night free and want to come please do!  If you want to come and you want comps, call me, I get two a show.  If you don’t have my number, there’s probably a reason for that.

I love you….unless you don’t have my number….there’s probably a reason for that.

Charley

Hello Pretty People!

We’re having a pretty good time right now. Writing new shows. Writing new videos. Making a weeklong tribute to SAW films.

“Hold the phone! We don’t like SAW! Why are we doing this!?”, the group pondered aloud.

“We’re not doing this. I am. I like SAW,” said Zoran quietly.

And then the blog continued…

That’s right, Zoran’s own LowCarbComedy is saying a fond farewell to SAW in style with a new SAW parody film everyday starting Oct. 25th and going until SAW 3D opens. Well, I kinda spoiled the trailer a bit. The trailer gives you all that same information. HOWEVER, it does it with a hell of a lot more style and hammer clangy noises.

ENJOY!!

Wow…we are really setting ourselves up for failure with that title.  Hey everyone!  Summer vacation is in full swing, so it’s time to give another update on the boys and their many happenings!:

Last week we celebrated the birth of Seth.  He turned 97. Of course he doesn’t look it, thanks to the fact that he put the classic children’s novel Tuck Everlasting into a blinder in 1923(the first electric blender ever created) with some goats milk, Dr. Bootsies Magic Elixer and a tootsie roll and drank his crazy concoction.  Now he will forever look 14 with the thighs of a Rhino.  Unless he dies falling off the swing rope going to Terabithia (don’t even get me started, not while I’m wearing all this mascara).  Oh…should I mention this is a Bridge to Terabithia spoiler alert?  Too late?  Okay.  Some 6th grader now hates me.

Zack moved from the church he was loitering in, to back down south….and by south we mean the south side of Chicago.  He said he wanted to return to his roots…and by his roots he means the Roots cover band he created last year.  He’s been playing the banjo day and night to get ready for his first gig…and by playing the banjo he means violently masturbating.  We are all very worried about him…and by worried about him we mean WORRIED about him.  If you see him, please call the police.  He is armed.  Usually with his own penis.

Lee got new head shots from John…..they are funny enough on their own so enjoy:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/localcelebrity/4786514958/in/set-72157624348821497/

Also, Lee has been catching up on his quest to watch either every bad movie/TV show he loves (Troll 2) or every great movie/TV show he hates (Lost).  Overall, we are just proud he hasn’t blown his brains out.

Zoran was recently sucked into his computer and has been fighting to get out in the style of a bad 80′s comedy.  You know the kind of comedy I’m talking about, the one that thought it was being avaunt gard with it’s forward thinking ideas and commentary about how we waste our lives with technology.  Also, he’s been doing videos (big surprise) and being successful (big surprise) and we are all really happy for him (big surprise), but secretly wanting him to fail and have to run back to us crying for us to make him funny again….right, fat chance.  Either way, he’s still pretty cute.

Charley since his last show in June was a rising star, famous for many years, saw a major decline in his box office numbers with a long string of mediocre action films and hackneyed romantic comedies, fell off the face of the planet, came back into the lime light when recorded audio tapes of him beating his wife surfaced, went to rehab three times, and has now returned ready to get back to comedy with Long Pork again….or film a porn.  Whatever comes/cums first….pun obviously overtly intended.

Actually you can see him every Friday for the next month and a half in the longest running musical in Chicago “Coed Prison Sluts” at the Annoyance theater.  He will be playing the largest 12 year old boy since the movie “Big”, minus the confusing fortune teller back story.

Well…we all hope to see you soon and love you too much for words….especially Zack.

Oh…and there is a new album by Rob Schneider….  More on that to come.

-LP

Hello all you long piglets,

I bet you’re all wondering what the Gentlemen of Long Pork have been up to since they shared the same stage as Tim “Ladies Man” Meadows at the TBS Just For Laughs Festival.  Well we’re taking a bit of break from performing till the fall, so we can all enjoy the sun’s slightly poisonous rays.  Rest assured we shall return when the leaves turn that pretty chocolate pudding color.  In the meantime our videotastic member, Zoran Gvojic, has created another video for his website Lowcarbcomedy.com.  This time it’s a video entry for the 2010 Eisner Spirit of Comics Award (Basically the Academy Awards of comic books). Zoran was hired to do this for the Chicago Comic Vault (1530 W. Montrose) and it’s designed to showcase the store’s layout. It features a variety of Kusper Super Heroes and a Perfect Strangers parody. Enjoy.

2010 Comic Vault Eisner Video

The other night I went to the Kit Kat Lounge for some half price “Tini’s” with a few friends. They had a 2 page spread full of drinks with names only a stargazing teenage girl could dream up. “Snickerdoodle”, “Lavalamp”, and “Bradley Cooper” were all among the ranks, though to me they were worth only a taster’s sip. I could barely finish my “Black Widow”. Next time I’ll be sure to stick to the straight up Martini.
Oh, and I was molested by Tina Turner. This video is round 1. IF round 2 had been taped, you would be privy to the twisting of nipples — MINE– and an overall heightened sense of uncomfortableness.

Here it is:  Zack and Tina