So, you wanted to see Sucker Punch…

Friday, March 25th, 2011

Hey buddy, where you going on this Friday night?

Oh, your going to the movies? What movie are you going to go see?

So, you’re going to see Sucker Punch, eh? Are you sure you want to see that movie?

You’re dead set on it? It looks awesome?

I hate to do this to you buddy but… I saw it already. Yeah. Yeah, I did and I got bad news.

It’s actually three different movies jammed into one movie that doesn’t know how to commit to anything that it’s trying to get you to completely buy into, namely the enjoyment of this movie.

I wanted to like it. My expectations were low, having remembered the high expectations SHATTERED by Mr.Snyder’s previous work WATCHMEN (that’s another conversation). I only watched the trailers once so as not to try and hype myself up. Low expectations are the secret to happiness. And. Even with the bare minimum of expectations to meet, after watching the movie, the more I thought about it… the angrier I got.

Why was this movie bad? Why did it bother me so? Why was I getting so angry?

Because it’s three movies. I didn’t get to watch any one of them all the way thru and was interrupted by some child switching the reels back and forth between the three movies.

The first movie is a really dark and intense indy drama. It’s about a young woman driven to extremes when her wretch of a step-father brutalizes both her and her young sister. In trying to escape this torment, the young woman fights back but, to no avail. Thru circumstances out of her control, the young woman is sent to an insane asylum. There she has to face the sexually aggressive and brutal treatment from the security staff. From there it gets darker and more intense but… That’s when the second movie comes in.

Now, the second movie is really different but, similar, if only in the vaguest sense. This is actually a gangster/1930′s movie. It’s the story of an orphan girl sold to a brothel/whorehouse where the women are not treated well.

Then again, where are orphans sold into the sex trade in the 1930′s treated well? I digress.

There the orphan girl meets an eccentric bunch of dancers/prostitutes who each have their own story to tell. Oh, they are a colorful bunch. They each understand their place in the brothel/whorehouse and don’t want to change how things work. However, the orphan girl has plans of her own. She plans on getting out of the brothel/whorehouse in 5 days time before a man only known as The High Roller comes and claims her for his own. This is intense but, oddly light-hearted. There doesn’t seem to be the weight of danger in this brothel, until… While working kitchen detail, one of the dancers (why is the dancer/hooker in the kitchen? Meh.) steals a small bit of bakers chocolate. This makes the head cook loose his shit. Nobody steals bakers chocolate! It’s for bakers! So, naturally, he tries to rape her. It’s only by sheer luck that the plucky orphan girl hears the distress of the dancer and come to her rescue by holding a knife to the head cooks throat. This then leads to friendship with the other dancers. It’s here that we find out that the orphan girl is an enchanting dancer. Raw but, otherwise, utterly amazing. Of course, by “Raw”, they mean overly sexed with a lot of grunting and moaning. But, before we ever see this AMAZING-ALL-EYES-LOOK-AT-THE-SEXIEST-DANCING-EVER dancing: The third movie shows up.

And boy, is this the movie you want to watch.

The third movie is the ultimate sci-fi/action/monster movie. It’s about these amazing, hot-as-frak, take-no-prisoners, bad-ass women hell bent on carrying out whatever crazy mission some old sage sends them on. These ladies from hell are on a mission to gather some very important items that will lead to their freedom from… something. Something bad. Now, these items sound really simple but, they are not. A map. A knife. Fire. A key. And a godsdamn mystery item that only the chosen one (the one dressed like Sailor Moon) can find. Now this elite force of sexy,sexy women have to travel thru space and time to find these AWESOME and IMPOSSIBLE to attain items. It’s like Time Bandits meets Bitch Slap.

Come on. Like you know where to “find” FIRE. YOU DON’T AND YOU NEVER WILL! WATCH THE WOMEN WORK!

Now, this third movie is full of amazing action and killer monsters. All of whom know exactly how to fall down and play dead when the hot girls flash a weapon or two. Yeah. The hot & bothered ladies know their weapons and their Kung-Fu, Karate, & Tae-Bo. They’re bad. Also, they are insanely strong. They have adamantium skeletons and skin made of mithril because they cannot be broken. No matter how many walls you punch/kick/body-slam them thru. Calm down gentlemen. It’s almost too cool. I know.

I know.

And right when this awesome, crazy, jap-anime inspired, fight fest is about to take flight… that second movie I was talking about, comes back.

Totally kills my action boner.

And it goes back and forth between movie number two and movie number three until it slips all the way back to movie number one.

The indy drama. The movie you forgot you were watching. The movie you really didn’t want to watch after the second movie or, the third movie.

And let’s all be honest, the sci-fi/action/monster movie is the movie we all want to watch. But we can’t. Because that crazy ADHD kid in the booth WON’T STOP SWITCHING THE REELS BETWEEN THE MOVIES!!

STOP IT, YOU LITTLE BRAT! STOP CHANGING THE MOVIE REELS!

…it’s okay…

I’m not there anymore. I’m safe now.

So, you see… You shouldn’t go see Sucker Punch. It’s just going to piss you off because it’s three movies.

And you only wanted to watch one.

 

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3 Responses to “So, you wanted to see Sucker Punch…”

  1. Anna S. says:

    Sounds like a bad remake of The Maxx, but with the brothel part of Tank Girl jammed into the middle and spliced with clips of Jessica Alba dancing from Sin City. I still want to see the third Time-Bandits-meets-anything movie, though.

  2. John says:

    This makes me a sad panda. I still need to see it, if only for the art direction / vfx.

  3. Javier says:

    That’s depressing, I still want to see it though :(

    That’s even more depressing…

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