Author Archive

Leaked Yogi Bear Ending!

Monday, December 13th, 2010

That’ll get the academy’s attention! TAKE THAT, BLACK SWAN!

And you all thought cartoons couldn’t cut you to the bone. Shame.

Gory Gory Happy Time!

Wednesday, October 13th, 2010

Hey all,

Charley here with a special announcement:

I HATE chocolate syrup.  HATE IT.

Thank you.

What?  Huh?……You want to know why?  Why would I hate this wonderful ice cream condiment?  Why do I hate the sweet sensation of it on your tongue as I lick it off the fingers of a hooker, or much more likely in my case, as I cry alone at night in front of a really emotional episode of “Parenthood” Tuesday’s at 10/9c on NBC?  Because of one word:


Okay, let’s make that two words:

splatt ertheater

No, let’s move the “er” over:

splatter ertheat

No, I don’t think you understand, now move the other “er” to the end of the word:

splfuck youer

You know what, I’ll just write it….SPLATTER THEATER.

For those not “in the know”, Splatter Theater is the brain child of a bunch of amazing Chicago improvisers. One night back in 1987,  at Leona’s in Lakeview, they all got drunk and decided to do a Halloween show.   They had two goals: make fun of all the great horror movies that were coming out at the time, while also covering the stage with blood.  In one month they wrote and put up the Annoyance Theater‘s first show.  It’s so fun we are still doing it 23 years later.

So if you have a Saturday night free and want to come please do!  If you want to come and you want comps, call me, I get two a show.  If you don’t have my number, there’s probably a reason for that.

I love you….unless you don’t have my number….there’s probably a reason for that.


Say Sawbye, Bitches!

Monday, October 4th, 2010

Hello Pretty People!

We’re having a pretty good time right now. Writing new shows. Writing new videos. Making a weeklong tribute to SAW films.

“Hold the phone! We don’t like SAW! Why are we doing this!?”, the group pondered aloud.

“We’re not doing this. I am. I like SAW,” said Zoran quietly.

And then the blog continued…

That’s right, Zoran’s own LowCarbComedy is saying a fond farewell to SAW in style with a new SAW parody film everyday starting Oct. 25th and going until SAW 3D opens. Well, I kinda spoiled the trailer a bit. The trailer gives you all that same information. HOWEVER, it does it with a hell of a lot more style and hammer clangy noises.


A Fun Song for Everyone!

Thursday, September 23rd, 2010


Have we got the thing you’ve been looking for!!

That OR your lost, tired, disoriented and you’ve stumbled upon our wondrous page not knowing what you’d find: Welcome, friend.

For old & new, lost & found, HERE’S SOME MORE FUN FOUND STUFFS!! ENJOY!!

The Movie of Event of The Summer, A Cappella

Saturday, September 18th, 2010

We liked Inception and thought this was funny.

Well, most of us.
Most of us like the movie.

Charley didn’t.

Well, he did, but… you know what.
It’s not my place.


Summer Post II: Bringing the Funny

Thursday, July 22nd, 2010

Wow…we are really setting ourselves up for failure with that title.  Hey everyone!  Summer vacation is in full swing, so it’s time to give another update on the boys and their many happenings!:

Last week we celebrated the birth of Seth.  He turned 97. Of course he doesn’t look it, thanks to the fact that he put the classic children’s novel Tuck Everlasting into a blinder in 1923(the first electric blender ever created) with some goats milk, Dr. Bootsies Magic Elixer and a tootsie roll and drank his crazy concoction.  Now he will forever look 14 with the thighs of a Rhino.  Unless he dies falling off the swing rope going to Terabithia (don’t even get me started, not while I’m wearing all this mascara).  Oh…should I mention this is a Bridge to Terabithia spoiler alert?  Too late?  Okay.  Some 6th grader now hates me.

Zack moved from the church he was loitering in, to back down south….and by south we mean the south side of Chicago.  He said he wanted to return to his roots…and by his roots he means the Roots cover band he created last year.  He’s been playing the banjo day and night to get ready for his first gig…and by playing the banjo he means violently masturbating.  We are all very worried about him…and by worried about him we mean WORRIED about him.  If you see him, please call the police.  He is armed.  Usually with his own penis.

Lee got new head shots from John…..they are funny enough on their own so enjoy:

Also, Lee has been catching up on his quest to watch either every bad movie/TV show he loves (Troll 2) or every great movie/TV show he hates (Lost).  Overall, we are just proud he hasn’t blown his brains out.

Zoran was recently sucked into his computer and has been fighting to get out in the style of a bad 80’s comedy.  You know the kind of comedy I’m talking about, the one that thought it was being avaunt gard with it’s forward thinking ideas and commentary about how we waste our lives with technology.  Also, he’s been doing videos (big surprise) and being successful (big surprise) and we are all really happy for him (big surprise), but secretly wanting him to fail and have to run back to us crying for us to make him funny again….right, fat chance.  Either way, he’s still pretty cute.

Charley since his last show in June was a rising star, famous for many years, saw a major decline in his box office numbers with a long string of mediocre action films and hackneyed romantic comedies, fell off the face of the planet, came back into the lime light when recorded audio tapes of him beating his wife surfaced, went to rehab three times, and has now returned ready to get back to comedy with Long Pork again….or film a porn.  Whatever comes/cums first….pun obviously overtly intended.

Actually you can see him every Friday for the next month and a half in the longest running musical in Chicago “Coed Prison Sluts” at the Annoyance theater.  He will be playing the largest 12 year old boy since the movie “Big”, minus the confusing fortune teller back story.

Well…we all hope to see you soon and love you too much for words….especially Zack.

Oh…and there is a new album by Rob Schneider….  More on that to come.


Long Pork's Summer Vacation

Tuesday, July 20th, 2010

Hello all you long piglets,

I bet you’re all wondering what the Gentlemen of Long Pork have been up to since they shared the same stage as Tim “Ladies Man” Meadows at the TBS Just For Laughs Festival.  Well we’re taking a bit of break from performing till the fall, so we can all enjoy the sun’s slightly poisonous rays.  Rest assured we shall return when the leaves turn that pretty chocolate pudding color.  In the meantime our videotastic member, Zoran Gvojic, has created another video for his website  This time it’s a video entry for the 2010 Eisner Spirit of Comics Award (Basically the Academy Awards of comic books). Zoran was hired to do this for the Chicago Comic Vault (1530 W. Montrose) and it’s designed to showcase the store’s layout. It features a variety of Kusper Super Heroes and a Perfect Strangers parody. Enjoy.

2010 Comic Vault Eisner Video

TBS Just For Laughs Festival

Monday, June 7th, 2010

Just For Laughs

Hello one and all,

It is I!  The omnipresent blog voice of Long Pork with another chance to see Long Pork in all it’s Cannibalistic Glory!  We are in the TBS Just for Laughs festival as part of the Sketch-travaganza: Best of Sketchfest section.  Here are the details:

Saturday June 19th
8:00 pm
Studio BE
3110 N Sheffield Ave
Chicago, IL
Buy Tickets

Also our very own Zoran Gvojic is doing a showing of his videos featured on as part of Lights, Camera, Action, CUT: Comedic Short Film.  Here are the details for that:

Thursday June 17th
9:00 PM
The Lincoln Lodge
4008 N Lincoln Ave
Chicago, IL 60618
Buy Tickets

So come to both, come to one, but make sure not to come to none.  Yes, I’m proud of that rhyme.

Some stuff and some things to do.

Thursday, May 20th, 2010

It’s summer time pretty people!

That means there are lots of fun things to do in and about town including shows and videos!

The Gentlemen of Long Pork are keeping busy too. Aside from gearing up for Sketchfest NYC and our big road trip for it. We’re excited to announce we have a Improv show coming up next week at the Playground!

Wednesday May 26th 8pm. $10

The Playground Theater
3209 N Halsted
Chicago, IL 60657

Seeing as it’s improv it’s going to be COMPLETELY new material. This is only our second show improvising together here in Chicago so come see us!

Okay aside from that you should also check out our good friend Devin Keast in his one man show:

Devin Keast, Gentleman and Sunshineface – Friday night May 28th. This will be his closing night, it’s also $10 and also at the Playground. Devin is great, if you went to our Harold Ramis show you’ve already seen him perform and fill in for Seth. So how could you not go?

If you’re not doing anything this weekend you should check out some dramatic theater completely unassociated with Long Pork:

Sinnerman Ensemble’s Days of Late – Now playing at the Viaduct and closing this weekend. Sinnerman is a local not for profit theater company here in Chicago out of Steppenwolf, awesome people, some of which donated to help get us to NY  so go see their show!

John Morrison – (our photographer, webmaster, promoter and jack-of-all-things-not-performing-or-writing) has launched a new photo blog of his street photography for the Tribune. You should take a look: Focal Points.

Zoran – Put out a new video on! A few of us are in it (and by a few we mean everyone associated with Long Pork except Morgan and Seth.) So you should go watch that.

Actually… ya know what, since we’re such generous guys… here you go, we’ll just embed it for you. Here’s the link just in case.

Oh yeah… then there is this. But we’ll talk more about that later.

Okay pretty people, we’re done telling you what to do for now. Enjoy your summer!

I Gave Tina Turner A Dollar

Friday, March 26th, 2010

The other night I went to the Kit Kat Lounge for some half price “Tini’s” with a few friends. They had a 2 page spread full of drinks with names only a stargazing teenage girl could dream up. “Snickerdoodle”, “Lavalamp”, and “Bradley Cooper” were all among the ranks, though to me they were worth only a taster’s sip. I could barely finish my “Black Widow”. Next time I’ll be sure to stick to the straight up Martini.
Oh, and I was molested by Tina Turner. This video is round 1. IF round 2 had been taped, you would be privy to the twisting of nipples — MINE– and an overall heightened sense of uncomfortableness.

Here it is:  Zack and Tina