Archive for August, 2009

Long Pork's Summer Vacation

Friday, August 14th, 2009

Dear Miss Einhorn-Bergstein, (our 4th grade teacher from 1989)

This summer we have been going to the movies, writing new material, and swinging our dicks in cold water. If that sounds vulgar, that’s because we were using cold water.

Seth has been homeless for a bit of time this summer. It was fun to see him scamper in the shadows of the day and night, eating the discards of the rich and powerful.

Zoran is doing well. Throwing food and money out of his window for Seth to fight for with the other desperate clowns. Zoran loves to bathe in gold coins and laugh at his new ant farm.

Charley keeps working on getting everyone to go out to bars. His drinking has become more and more Roman. Although, we believe it’s all a cover for the war. The Great Secret Mutant War that wages beneath our very feet. The weight of this war weighs on his shoulders. It’s no wonder he needs to blow off steam with a little drink every now and right NOW!

Zack has once again gone missing. The last we heard, he was going to Bonaroo. That wondrous and lush music festival has such an allure to it. Zack was powerless. He told us of the trip, excitement twinkling in his eyes and teeth. That’s what should have tipped us off. His teeth wouldn’t stop chattering. As if an icy witch had his heart in her grasp, pulling him towards the dark woods. He had no shoes and only that damn staff he walks around with. If anyone has seen him, please point him back home.

Lee is moving. He has had it up to here (here being where flood waters drown dogs) with his current living situation in the project known as 948. He will be much happier at 946. It’s right next door so the move itself will be easier than buying a balloon. He likes balloons.

Oh, such times. We can’t believe it’s almost over. This glorious time known as été, as the French say, is a magical time.

Sorry to hear that you died this summer. I hope you feel better. We’re pulling for you.

Warm Regards,

The Gentlemen

P.S. – Our new web site launched today. We hope you enjoy it.